SNAKEBITES
ISSUE 10 Volume 99 ROSEVILLE CA OCTOBER 10, 1999
Associated Press couldn't sell it to anyone else, so:
Exclusive to Snakebites!!
AP--Dateline: Toonapoona, R.O.D.
The capitol of this remote country is a strange place to find the logo of a
huge American corporation, but the facts are undeniable: The Union Pacific
has a presence here--in a big way--on the dusty plains of central Asia.
Formed in the aftermath of the Soviet Union's disintegration in 1991, the
Republic of Dirtbagistan is rapidly becoming a second home to many cutting
edge UP managers. But UP's not here to showcase its first- class railroading
ability, it's here to help the government get the country moving on the
right track.
The President of Dirtbagistan, Ike Evans (no relation to UP's own Ike Evans),
hit the nail on the head when he summed up the reasons for choosing UP
management to run the government. "Our people are simple, crude,
unsophisticated. We need strong hands to help us whip things into line. We
looked at many American companies before choosing UP, but the managers from
what you railroaders call the "MOP" are really the best. They understand
power, the use of fear and intimidation, and the need to keep everyone under
constant surveillance. The work is tough, but for those who join us, the
rewards are great.
These statements are echoed by Floyd Smoot, MTO from Uranus, Texas, now
finance minister of Dirtbagistan. "Me and them other UP managers are right
proud to be here. Them native types know who the boss is, and hell, I can
sit in meetings with the best of them foreign college types."
Translators are provided for UP managers who have yet to learn Dirtbagistan's
official language, which is English. Says Smoot: "Hell, it ain't no big
deal, cain't read anyway. Same goes for countin' , too. Like on the UP, when
I show these boys I'm a serious railroader type, they'll stand back and let
me do the work."
Compensation is generous for UP management willing to take the plunge into
Dirtbagistan. The local currency, known as the Spurm, is fully convertible
into Disney World Gift Certificates or UP special shares, which are
convertible in the year 2075. Smoot likes the compensation package, noting
that in addition to running the finances of the country, "I got me a right
nice little local lady, fifty servants, a big ole spread right outside town.
Dirtbagistan's my second home, after Uranus. Hell, with what these
Dirtbaggis are paying me, I got more Spurm than I can manage!'
Dirtbagistan, the gross national product of which includes money laundering,
budget planning, opium testing, hiding terrorists, and other lucrative
free-market activities, hopes that more MOPAC veterans will join the
government, especially the security forces. Incentives to join up include
free servants, a late model white truck with complimentary railroad radio, a
signing bonus of 50,000,000 Spurm, and a toaster oven.
Railroad management wholeheartedly approves of Dirtbagistan's efforts to
recruit additional MOPAC personnel. There is even a special school for
malignant managers in Stockton, CA. UP President Ike Evans observed, "We
need to show the world we can do things right. This country's problems are
a lot like our railroad's, so I'm sure we can help them in a big way. Our
track record speaks for itself." Dick Davidson, currently in storage in a
meat warehouse in Omaha, could not be reached for comment.
Many local managers in California, where the company spotlight is focused on
the constantly redefined success of the Roseville Hub, have expressed great
interest in moving up the corporate ladder to Dirtbagistan. Computer expert
Carl Bradley, who hired out with Floyd Smoot, is ready to make the big move,
but could not locate the country on a map, having only recently learned that
the world is round.
When asked about his plans to join the Dirtbagistani government, Bradley
talked in grand terms about using computer programs based on the superb
systems up and running in Roseville, to monitor the fitness club attendance
and political affiliation of Dirtbagistani citizens.
Anyone would be proud of UP's efforts to share its success with the less
fortunate in the global economy. Stay tuned for more information as our
MOPAC managers do to Dirtbagistan what they've done to the UP.
------Boris
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QUOTE OF THE MONTH DEP'T
Larry Bossidy - CEO of Allied Signal Inc.:
"I've never seen a company that was able to satisfy its customers which did
not also satisfy its employees. Your employees will treat your customers no
better than you treat your employees."
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Griever's Corner
Snakebites is growing by leaps and bounds, and I thank everyone for their
support. Of course, we couldn't do it without the good old UP. Never have
I seen a company, organization or other entity so set on self-destruction and
so incompetent that they couldn't even get that right! Thanks Dick!
Thanks Ike! We couldn't do this without you guys.
Big-time stockholders visited the "crown jewel" last week. Under the
watchful eye of local management they got the grand tour of our 21st century
hump yard (gag) and went away somewhat impressed. Of course, they did it on a
rest day for the worst of the hell-raisers, but I hear they got an earful
from some of our more outspoken switchmen. I only hope they speak the
language. From what I saw, they don't even speak English. (Maybe a job in
Dirtbagistan?)
Cars still mysteriously end up where they don't belong in the bowl, so keep
your eyes open and BE SAFE.
Sarge
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Language Lessons Dep't. Part 1
In honor of our new leader, and with great reservations, the management
presents:
PUNKISMS: A lesson in language.
1. The Punk Zone- that moment in time, when you realize Punky's really mad,
and, you might have said one word too many.
2. Punkyn' Idiots- leftover junior managers from the last regime.
3. Punk-in-Time- the cadence junior officers keep following Punky around the
Super-Coop.
4. Punk Drunk- junior officers at their frenzied peak.
5. Punkyn' Head- Kangas Khan's new nick name.
6. Punkyfied- Todd Ray's dilemma.
7. Punkophile- M. Pollards keen interest in new hires.
8. Punkynstein- Willie Sweat on a bad hair day.
9. punkity-punkity-punkity- sound of new and quieter retarders, soon to be
installed.
10. Punkyn' Humpyn'- that's what we'll be doing when they finally raise the
hump.
11. UPRR- Uncle Punky's Railroad, and you better believe it!
12. Punkyn' Pie- that's what Uncle Punky gets in his face, if he can't make
it work!!!
----------------------Thanks to the Accidental Boomer
WE GET LETTERS, Part1.
Sir, I got the following out of a trash can in El Paso. Thought you'd like
it:
How to Run a Railroad into the Ground by Saving Money.
In an effort to reduce guarantee payments, CMS has severely reduced every
extra board. It seems that extra board guarantee is part of the CMS budget
and they have a mandate to reduce this budget item. Oh sure, now the budget
for guarantee looks great! But what is the ripple effect?
The first victims are all the new kids who are cut-off. Of course, the rub is
that the "recruiting people" from UP made all those outrageous promises like,
"full employment, you'll be working ALL the time, money will be coming out
your ears." So a lot of the new folk quit REAL jobs for the UP
"Pie-in-the-sky." Now they regret believing all the BS spewed by those
recruiters and they have come to realize that most of what they hear from UP
is pure BS. "Oh, UP, you certainly do have a knack for turning untarnished,
bright, willing new employees into cynical, untrusting, angry employees."
The kids that are financially destitute are now chasing their seniority
hundreds of miles from home, living in their cars, eating baloney sandwiches
while they try to find some place to land and get a few trips in. Others have
just thrown in the towel and are looking for work outside the railroad
industry.
More victims are those remaining bodies on the extra boards who are getting
out on their rest (One only has to look at any extra board to see that few
people are ever rested). People are literally being worked into the ground.
This is an accident waiting to happen. Someone will eventually nod off at the
wrong time. Hey, but we're saving money, right Ike?
And of course, if you're out of extra people, CMS starts dropping pool turns
or shoving the pool or calling people off assignment and generally driving
crew dispatchers crazy as they try to fill positions. It also plays havoc
with trying to figure out when you're going to get called which again means
going to work without proper rest. In many places, they are calling people
off the bump boards so often that they appear to be nothing more than an
auxiliary extra board (with no guarantee, I'm sure those budget bastards
planned on that.)
So what affect does this have on the service unit budgets? Well, when you are
out of extra bodies, you start robbing Peter to pay Paul so operating costs
are going through the roof. The local operating folks are begging CMS to add
bodies to the extra boards but CMS, in typical UP "Got my blinders on, to
hell with your budget, I gotta watch mine" fashion, refuses.
Of course, according to CMS management, the root of all evil is those "no
good, over-paid, worthless @#$%^&* who lay off on the week-ends" that cause
all the problems. Well excuse my ignorance, but if you are a youngster and
they are working your ass off because the boards are short, when are you
going to lay off? Friday and Saturday night sound good to you?
Once again UP has proved that they do not care about their employees. Please
send future issues of INFO Magazine to someone who believes your BS.
Yours truly,
Pissed Old Fart.
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"Join Union Pacific Railroad... Where People are Proud to Work." The theme
will be used throughout all UP recruitment advertising. Brochures are being
finalized for each craft and will be used for recruiting with the Job
Services, Urban Leagues, colleges and other community sources. In the college
recruiting area, UP will be represented at 35 colleges this year. (From UP
internal messages)
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WE GET LETTERS, Part 2
We on the BNSF would gladly send you an incompetent official to correct the
problems at Roseville. He has had tremendous amount of experience in hump
yard development and would surely like to return for a visit to the UP/SP. We
may suffer his loss but would surely like to help. Write Rob Krebs and ask
for Dave Dealey, Vice President Operations. He singlehandedly redesigned
Argentine Yard in KC, saving the BNSF millions while providing the car forces
there more work (can't send more than one car down the hump at atime). Plus
he developed a program that allowed the bowl crews early quits and OT.
Please write Krebs and ask for this manager, please.
JDF
OUR SPIES ARE EVERYWHERE DEP'T
63 TOP UP EXECS RIPPING OFF SHARES OF STOCK
(For obvious reasons our writer wishes to remain anonymous.)
It was announced last week that 63 UP executives are being handed one million
Shares of UP stock with an interest-bearing loan from UP that requires these
63 executives to pay back the loans and interest ONLY if the company's
financial performance does not reach certain targets over a scheduled period
of time.
It would be appropriate for UPOnline to describe in exquisite detail exactly
how the Company-financed stock purchase plan for 63 senior executives will
benefit railroad operations and, most importantly, the employees in the
trenches who actually make the railroad work. The most provocative question,
of course, is "When will my stock options in UP Shares have any value?"
Knowing that the 63 executives would be mortified if they actually had to pay
the principle and interest on such financing and that, therefore, they will
do all possible to reduce operating expenses, one is at a loss to see the
benefit to the railroad and, again, the employees.
Maintenance-of-Way budgets are being slashed 37%, so that means that spot
track improvements (as opposed to planned production gang work) will probably
fall by the wayside (so to speak) and with it, track speed and, ultimately,
the dearly beloved concept of velocity. Crew starts have already been
reduced and it is expected that train starts are also going to be slashed.
Given that the stock purchase plan is openly sanctioned by the Board of
Directors, it would be fitting for any one or all to offer publicly their
comments on the long-term prognosis for the railroad given the view towards
short-term financial gain for 63 senior executives of the Company. It would
be inspirational to the employees if UPOnline were to resume daily
publication of the value of 200 shares of UP common stock granted to the
employees so that they can see that they are right in there benefitting with
63 senior executives of the Company.
Of course, be assured the 63 senior executives purchased the UP stock for at
least $55.00 per share because that is the value of the stock "given" the
employees under the UP Shares program. The 63 senior executives are probably
asking for a higher price, just to demonstrate their commitment to Union
Pacific's financial well-being and to reassure the employees, who are the
ones actually making the railroad work, that UP Shares is intended to truly
benefit the employees who are working seven days per week, 14 hours per day.
Employee morale in the trenches is non-existent and the anger and frustration
is now being openly expressed. Of course, Joseph Goebbels had nothing but
exhortations to greater glory for the German Sixth Army at the gates of
Stalingrad and the German public had firm belief that victory against the
Soviet hordes was within their grasp. It's funny how reality had a different
end for that story. Whats not so funny is how UP management can be viewed as
analogous to the Third Reich.
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Announcement:
If everything goes as planned, SNAKEBITES will be online by the next issue.
Those of you who now receive the ‘bites by E-mail will be notified of our
address on the net. We will also be linked to several other sites. Hard
copies will still be available in Roseville. EDITOR
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